What do I say when my child asks why we're getting divorced?
Give them a true reason that is not the real detail. Something like: we tried hard, we could not fix it, grown-ups sometimes stop being able to live together, and it is not because of anything you did. Short, honest, and blaming nobody.
That answer feels inadequate to the parent giving it. It is usually exactly right for the child receiving it.
Why the honest-but-incomplete version is the right one
Children are asking a narrower question than adults hear. Underneath "why" is almost always: is this my fault, and what happens to me now. A detailed account of the marriage does not answer either, and it hands them something they cannot carry.
Telling a child the specific reason, particularly one involving the other parent's conduct, makes them the keeper of adult information and forces them to take a side. That is its own source of harm, and it is one of the things you can still control.
So: true, brief, and no villain.
Have one answer and keep it
They will ask again. Days later, months later, at a birthday, in the car when you thought it was fine. That is normal and it is not a sign anything went wrong.
Agree the wording with your co-parent if you possibly can, and use the same one each time. Consistency is what makes it feel solid. Two different accounts from two parents turns a child into an investigator.
If the divorce involves abuse or violence
The script on this page assumes two parents in an ordinary breakdown. If your child witnessed something, telling them nobody is at fault asks them to disbelieve what they saw. That conversation deserves to be planned with someone who does it professionally: a child therapist, or an advocate on the safety resources page.
What not to say
"We fell out of love." Reasonable to an adult, frightening to a child, because they conclude love is a thing that quietly stops. If they hear it, add that a parent's love for a child does not work that way and never runs out.
Anything with a blame in it, including the softened versions. Children hear "your father decided" as an instruction to be angry with him.
"We're doing this for you." It makes them the reason.
More than they asked. If they wanted more they would ask more, and they usually do.
A promise you cannot keep. Not about reconciling, not about where everyone will live, not about how often they will see the other parent unless it is already decided.
When they ask something harder
"Whose fault is it?" Nobody's in a way you would understand yet. Both of us tried.
"Can you fix it?" No, and we are sure. Wobbling here is kinder in the moment and much harder on them, because it keeps hope alive that has nowhere to go.
"Do you still love each other?" Not in the way people who are married do, and both of us love you the same.
"Did I cause it?" Directly and repeatedly no, whatever it is they have decided they did. Young children frequently believe an argument they overheard, or a bad school report, was the cause.
A teenager asking a pointed question about something they already know. They may have seen more than you think. You can confirm without elaborating: yes, that was part of it, and it is between the two of us.
The two questions you did not ask but will
Is it okay to cry in front of them? Yes, within reason. Children can handle a parent being sad, and it teaches them that hard feelings are survivable rather than shameful. What they cannot handle is being asked to comfort you, or watching a parent come apart with no adult in charge. Cry, say you are sad and you will be alright, and take the harder version somewhere else.
Should I apologize? You can be sorry for the hurt without apologizing for the decision. "I am so sorry this is hard, and I wish it were different" is honest. "I am sorry we are doing this to you" implies you did something to them that could have been avoided, and it invites them to campaign for a reversal.
The larger version of this conversation
The first conversation, its timing, and what to expect afterward at different ages is in telling your children. This page is the follow-up questions, which come later and matter just as much.
Children respond to divorce very differently depending on age and temperament, and a child who is not eating, sleeping, or coping after several weeks deserves a professional rather than more reassurance from you.