Safety resources
The numbers first. Then the longer work: planning, documentation, protective orders, and why the timing of some steps deserves an advocate's help.
Divorcery cannot respond in an emergency. The people below can, at any hour, for free.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call 1-800-799-7233. Text START to 88788. Chat at thehotline.org.
If you are Deaf or hard of hearing, or cannot safely speak
Call the Deaf Hotline by video phone at 1-855-812-1001, or use the National Domestic Violence Hotline's chat at thehotline.org, which is open around the clock. Almost everything else on this page is a voice call.
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Call or text 988. Chat at 988lifeline.org.
Outside the United States
findahelpline.com lists free helplines by country.
If someone may be watching your device use: phones and computers can be monitored, and browsing history is visible to anyone with access. If that could be your situation, use a device the person has never had access to, such as a friend's phone, a work computer, or one at a library.
Getting a protective order
Free to file and free to serve, often granted the same day without the other person present, and no lawyer required - how the process actually works, including what an order can cover and how it is enforced in every state.
You do not have to be in crisis to call
The hotline is not only for emergencies, and calling it does not commit you to anything.
Advocates spend most of their time on quieter work: helping people think through their options, plan around a difficult situation, find local services, and decide what to do next, including deciding to do nothing yet. The call is free, confidential, and available at any hour, and you can hang up whenever you want.
If any of the sections below feel like they apply to you, an advocate is the right person to work through them with. That is what they are for.
A safety plan
A safety plan is a worked-out answer to "what would I do if I had to leave quickly." Having one changes nothing about your daily life, and having thought it through matters most on exactly the day there is no time to think.
The usual pieces: where you would go, who you would call, a bag with essentials and copies of important documents kept somewhere reachable, and money that is yours.
An advocate can help you build one that fits your situation, including the parts that are hard to think about alone.
Money of your own
If leaving ever becomes necessary, you will need money that cannot be frozen or watched: a cash reserve, or an account in your name alone at a bank where your spouse has no relationship.
This is not the same thing as hiding assets in a divorce, which is a real line. Money set aside for safety is something to mention to an advocate or your attorney, who deal with exactly this distinction all the time.
Write things down
If there are threats, harassment, or violence, keep a record: dates, times, what happened, what was said. Save the texts, emails, and voicemails, somewhere the other person cannot reach, which usually means a new account rather than a shared one.
A contemporaneous record does two jobs. It supports a protective order if you ever seek one, and it is worth far more to a court than recollection. There is more on keeping records safely in the record-keeping guide.
Protective orders
A protective order is a court order restricting contact or conduct, and you do not need to have filed for divorce to ask for one.
Every state has a process, most courthouses have a self-help desk that handles these daily, and advocates can help you prepare the petition and go with you. The documentation above is what the petition is built on.
Ask in that petition for everything you need: no contact, a stay-away distance, exclusive use of the home, temporary custody and support, firearms surrender. A judge can only grant what was actually asked for, and nothing gets added on your behalf.
If you have an order, tell the people who would need to act on it: building security at work, your children's school, anyone who answers your door.
Technology, and why timing matters here
There is a careful order to securing accounts and devices when safety is a concern, and it is not the obvious one.
Changing passwords and cutting off shared access is something a controlling person notices, and doing it abruptly can escalate a situation rather than end it. The safer sequence is to plan the timing with an advocate first, and to make changes from a device the other person has never touched.
The digital separation guide covers what to secure and in what order, and its safety note at the top applies doubly here.
Everything on this page is general information. An advocate on the hotline above can talk through your specific situation, confidentially, at any hour, and nothing about calling commits you to anything.